I was recently on a flight to Dallas and as I sat there listening to my iPod and resisting the urge to break into song, a thought occurred. They should offer karaoke as an in flight service. It would break up the monotony, keep me from having to talk to the person next to me and I’m sure the drunk guy 2 rows up would have provided even more entertainment with a microphone in his hand. I wonder who I need to talk to about this? And would it count toward my daughter’s Girl Scout Bronze Award project?
My love for animals has driven us to acquire pigs. That’s right, I said pigs. As in fat, little porkers with curly tails. Our little piggies are actually the kiddo’s 4h project, otherwise I’d never have convinced Hunny to get the sweet stinkers. Before venturing into this new world of pig rearing, Hunny warned us NOT to get attached because these pigs are NOT pets. They will be auctioned off or butchered after the stock show. Ha! You’d think after all these years he’d know me better. I love these guys!!. I actually plop my behind right in the muck so Oinkers and Pumba (I didn’t name them) will let me scratch their backs. The kids and I are having a blast visiting and caring for our new “pets” and we’re beginning to be desensitized to the smell of pig poop.
Yes, I realize we can’t keep them, but I tell you this: these porkers will NOT provide our Christmas ham anytime soon.
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What a crazy, unexpected, life altering week and a half it’s been! I can’t hold things in or I’ll explode so I’m going to take this opportunity to relive these last 11 days.
Sunday August 14, 2011- Managed to get the kids all packed for a week at my mom’s. Met my dad at our usual halfway point, hugged and kissed the kids goodbye, handed them off to their Papa (my dad) and enjoyed the 1 1/2 hour quiet drive home. That evening I finished packing for my trip and spent a nice evening with my Hunny.
Monday August 15, 2011- Impressed myself at how quickly I was able to get up and out the door. Got the dogs to the kennel and was on the road by 9:00 am. Go me! Enjoyed my lovely, kid free, 6 hour drive to Austin. Made it to Gramma’s around 3:20. Had to pee super bad but Gramma wasn’t home and I couldn’t find the spare key. Fortunately, she was only 5 minutes away so crisis averted! Rushed to the bathroom, then hugged Gramma, then we decided to nap. Got up around 5 and decided to head to Olive Garden for dinner. Gramma wore a pair of white capri pants, a white blouse with black dots and a long-sleeved white shirt over that. I’ve never known Gramma to wear her beautiful white hair down out of the house, but she did that evening. I don’t remember ever seeing my Grandmother look so beautiful. She was absolutely radiant! So much so that a waitress came from across the restaurant to tell her how beautiful she looked in white. Shortly after we got home, Auntie and Cfer arrived. We all laughed and visited until Auntie said to shut up and go to bed. Not gonna forget Gramma telling us about a line in a movie where a lady handed another lady a pie she had made and said, “Eat my sh–!” Gramma’s version was hysterical! About 1:30 am I noticed Gramma’s bedroom light was on so I went in and talked to her a bit longer. When I turned to leave, she told me I didn’t have to go so I crawled in bed and snuggled next to her until we had to get up at 4:00 am.
Tuesday August 16, 2011- Gramma, Auntie, and I made the quick trip to the hospital at 5:30 am. At 7:00 am Gramma’s quilting ladies, her pastors, Auntie, one of the nurses and I all crowded in the room to pray with Gramma before she was taken in for 6 way bypass surgery. I hugged and kissed my Gramma goodbye and told her I’d see her when she woke up. Then the waiting game began. Around 11 am Auntie and I ran back to Gramma’s to pick up Cfer. While we were there we got a call saying the bypass was great and they were starting to wrap things up so we rushed back to the hospital. Shortly after we got there, out came the nurse that prayed with us. Things weren’t looking good. She instructed us to pray like never before. They worked on Gramma until 4:00 pm. Gramma was taken to ICU while the surgeon talked with us. We were taken to ICU shortly after that and around 5:00 pm they told us Gramma was slipping away and now was the time to see her. At 5:12 pm Auntie, Cfer, Pastor John and I were by Gramma’s side as she took her final breath.
Wednesday August 17, 2011- Never helped plan a funeral before. Never want to do it again.
Thursday August 18, 2011- Family started arriving. After I picked up my Uncle and my cousin from the airport, I took Gramma’s clothes to the funeral home. That was harder than I thought it would be.
Friday August 19, 2011- Gramma was laid to rest beside my Papaw who passed away August 31, 2010.
Saturday August 20 – Tuesday August 23- A blur. I was in robot zombie mode.
Wednesday August 24, 2011- I made it home. Tough drive. I cried on and off the whole drive home. So glad the kids didn’t notice. Walked in my house and saw Gramma everywhere. The coffee maker she gave us. The coffee decor in my dining room that we bought together. The lamps in my living room that were a wedding present to her and Papaw. The pillow cases she made that are on the pillows on my bed.
I’m very blessed that I had 33 wonderful years with my grandparents. I’m thankful for all the memories that I’ll always cherish. For selfish reasons I want Gramma back, but I know that she’s where she longed to be. In Heaven, with my beloved Papaw by her side.
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Here’s my alternative list if the college thing doesn’t work out:
1. A Princess. Preferably one who’s already been rescued by Prince Charming, lives in a palace, has a beautiful white horse and a step mother and sisters behind bars.
2. A Ballerina. A graceful one. Who gets the lead in Swan Lake. Because she’s better and prettier than everyone else.
3. A Movie Star. So I can meet Johnny Depp. Duh!
4. Hannah Montana. Except I can’t stand Hannah Montana. So maybe I’ll just be a pop star like Hannah Montana. Only I’ll sing better.
5. A Fairy. Like Tinkerbell. Well, technically she’s a Pixie, but I’ll settle for either.
6. Ooooh! A Fairy Princess! Even better! Magical powers AND my own kingdom! Rock on!!
7. Justin Bieber’s Girlfriend. Isn’t that what all the little girls want right now?
8. An Olympic Gymnast. I’d kill to be in great shape again.
9. A Concert Pianist. Only I’d have to start practicing again and who wants to do that?
10. Willy Wonka. Oh yeah! Mostly because I want an Oompa Loompa but mainly so I can eat all the candy I want and travel by glass elevator.
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I opted for marriage instead of college. I have no regrets about choosing marriage, but I wish I had made time for college as well. Lately I’ve been thinking about taking a few online courses. With that, I’ve been reminded why I didn’t go to college in the first place: I have too many interests and I can’t narrow it down to just one!
1. Chef. I love food! I love to cook! In the words of Lorelai Gilmore, “I’m Ina Garten and Mario Batalli’s love child.” I’ve dreamed of owning my own restaurant for a very long time now. Plus I’d like to kick Bobby Flay’s butt on Iron Chef America.
2. Meteorologist. Weather fascinates me. I want to chase a tornado. And let me just tell you how I’d like to be on the east coast watching Irene roll in!
3. High School History Teacher. I love history but not other people’s children.
4. Historian. That’s better. No children involved. And maybe I could get on the History Channel!
5. Movie Critic. LOVE movies. And I want people to love the movies I love. The critics out there now always give bad reviews on the movies I love. To them I say “plllllllllbt” 
Or… I could just combine 4 and 5 and become a Hollywood Historian. I do love classic movies, tv and radio shows… Watch out Robert Osborne, Ben Mankiewicz and Greg Bell. Your TCM and Radio Spirits hosting days may be numbered!
6. Pirate. The Disney kind, not the Somalian kind. There aren’t enough Captain Jack Sparrow’s in the world.
7. Zoologist. I love animals. I want to work in a zoo or animal habitat where I can play with baby tigers all the time instead of just once-in-a-very-blue-moon.
8. Marine Biologist. Love me some sea mammals! Wouldn’t it be awesome to track marine life? Especially sea lions!
9. Christopher Moore. Well, maybe not Christopher Moore himself, but an equally incredible, witty author.
10. Photographer. Who doesn’t enjoy a professional picture of something beautiful? I’d like to learn how to capture my own beautiful moments instead of paying someone else to capture them for me.
These are just the top ten floating in my brain at the moment. There are so many more! See my dilemma?
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One of my favorite quotes is from the movie Empire Records. A kid desperately tries to pick up quarters that have been super glued to the ground. When he asks AJ, the guy who glued the quarters, why he glued them AJ replies, “I don’t feel the need to explain my art to you, Warren.” This is my answer to anyone who questions anything I say or do. Usually. Except for today. I have a friend whom I love dearly, but she doesn’t get what I see in certain literature. Today I’m going to explain my love of a few that have been called into question.
Favorite book #1. Anne of Green Gables
I don’t understand how anyone could NOT love Anne. My love of the Anne books sprouted from a disdain for the red hair and freckles I was “blessed” with as a child. Here was a girl, albeit fictitious, who shared the same burden as I. Anne was also always on the lookout for a “kindred spirit” who would understand her plight, as am I. I treasure Anne’s and Diana’s friendship. It has been the basis for many of my own friendships. I love their love for each other. Finding a friend who will put your needs ahead of their own is a rare and precious gift. The romance between Anne and Gilbert didn’t really appeal to me until I was much older and then it was the fact that Gilbert loved all the things about Anne that she hated in herself. Could there really be someone out there that could feel that way about me? I found my “Gilbert” 12 years ago and am so thankful that he looks past all my bad qualities and mostly sees the good 
The next two favorites I can understand questioning…
Favorite book #2. The Twilight Saga
Yes, I admit it. I’m a Twi-Mom. I have the entire series in hard back and on CD. I’ve read and re-read these books at least 8 times each, not to mention the 20 or so times I’ve listened to them. My love for this series confuses my husband, who often asks, “Again? Why?” Putting aside my love of vampires, let me break it down for you. Here’s Bella. An average teenage girl who just doesn’t fit in anywhere she goes. Who among us can’t relate to this in one way or another? Enter Edward. A drop dead (no pun intended) gorgeous guy who appears to be an outcast as well. Edward subdues his natural instincts and does everything in his power to protect this girl who thinks she’s unworthy of his love. His willingness to go to any length to keep her safe and prove his love to her is so alluring. As I said before, selflessness in any relationship is so rare. Who wouldn’t be drawn to it?
Favorite book #3. The Vampirates Saga
After I read Twilight for the first time, the only thing I thought would have made the story better was if the vampires had also been pirates. Imagine my excitement when I stumbled across the Vampirates! This is another teen series but I enjoy them better than the adult series. Less smut. This series follows twin brother and sister Grace and Conner Tempest. I love these ambitious kids. After tragedy strikes, these two set out to find a better life for themselves. They end up going their separate ways, but stay close even after they end up on enemy crews. I can’t name two 14 year olds that could handle what these two have to face. Of course, that’s probably because they, as well as their obstacles are fictional. I don’t care. Their determination and stamina inspires me!
I do have many other favorites that contain much more substance and I may share them at a later time. It thrills me to find what I consider a good read. When I find one, I devour it. Not everyone has the same taste as I do and that’s ok. It’d be a really scary world if everyone thought like I do. Eeek! I love variety in everything. I am also very open to suggestions for a good read so share away!
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On a recent visit to my parent’s house, I awoke early and decided to flip through channels since my kids were sleeping and my parents were at work. I have a weakness for Hollywood gossip so I stopped on E! because they were airing some celebrity’s dirty laundry or something to that effect. Anywho, the next show happened to be Keeping Up With the Kardashians. I thought I’d see what all the hype is about and why exactly we’re supposed to keep up with them. Four episodes later, here’s what I learned:
1. If you have a penis, your opinion does not count. You are around purely for convenience. Men are to be seen and not heard.
2. Botox is bad for you. Ask Kim.
3. It’s ok to get a bit tipsy and make out with the really hot Australian body guard. You can put him in his proper place in the morning.
4. So what if your baby daddy is a piece of (insert expletive here). It pisses off the family to see you with him and creates the dramatic flare that America is longing for.
5. Don’t try to hide your missing $$$ engagement ring from your husband. Your brother probably already found it and tattled on you.
6. Stomping your foot and screaming f— you at your mom gets her off your case. For about 5 minutes.
7. Buying herbal cigarettes for your 15-year-old sister just to teach your mom a lesson about smoking will only result in getting your sister grounded.
8. Garages are for storing perfume. Foyers are for motorcycles.
9. Throwing a half-assed “surprise” party for someone who hates you and vice versa is a good way to insure that hate stays intact.
10. Bruce Jenner cannot afford to get any more plastic surgery. He looks like a Ken doll from the late 80′s early 90′s. Yuck.
I don’t know who decided we needed to keep up with the Kardashians. Did anyone really know who they were before we were keeping up with them? Do we really need to be entertained by the self-centered antics of a family who is better looking, has more money and way too much time on their hands? Yes. Yes we do. In spite of the petty bickering, selfishness, and emasculating, this family does seem to really love each other and look out for each other. I think. For the most part. Either way, I’ve been sucked in. I don’t have cable so I can’t watch their show, but I do follow them on Twitter and constantly check the E! app on my phone for any updates. I can’t help myself. It’s like a bad accident that I just can’t look away from. I must continue keeping up with the Kardashians.
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