You’ve Got To Build Bypasses

Our town recently voted to build a bypass to reroute the many trucks that barrel through our streets. This actually bummed out a lot of people. Mainly the ones who will now be forced to share a property line with the bypass. I truly sympathize with these individuals. Really, I do, but I can’t help chuckling every time I see the bypass construction.

Last weekend as we drove past I blurted out, “This bypass has got to be built and it’s going to be built!” My husband immediately demanded to know what I was babbling about. Why, the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, you silly neener-head!

I wonder if the people who are anti-bypass had settled themselves in front of the bulldozers as Arthur Dent did, would this have changed things at all? This also led me to wonder if my best friend is perhaps not from Ohio as she claims, but is in fact from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse. And how would we have reacted if suddenly, as the bulldozers fired up to break ground, a Vogon construction fleet showed up to begin the demolition of Earth in order to make way for a hyperspace bypass?

Needless to say, this domino effect of thoughts has led me to once again read Douglas Adam’s brilliant literary work. And if you’re looking for something to while away your weekend, I encourage you to read it as well. It’ll really make you think. Or not.

Now where’d I put my towel….

 

Maybe We Should Have Named Her Lucky

Have I told you about our three legged dog? She wasn’t born that way. She started out with the regular four that most dogs have.
You see, Zip was a pound puppy. Not one of the cute ones with the big sad eyes that were popular in the 80’s, but an actual, real pound puppy. I do have one of the cute ones, but that’s irrelevant to this story.
We adopted her when she was around 3-4 months old. Two weeks after we got her, she came down with parvo and almost died. I really didn’t want to explain to my 4 year old why her dog died, so we paid a small fortune in an attempt to save Zip’s life. It worked. She lived.
Our vet knows us by name. They love to see us come in. I think we’ve put a couple of their kids through college.
Move on to a year later. Zip found, opened and devoured an entire bag of chocolate chips. I’ve always heard chocolate was poisonous to dogs, so again, I rushed her to the vet. Fortunately this trip didn’t cost much because Zip had puked up every last bit of the chocolate all throughout my house. I left the vet, rented an industrial size carpet shampooer, went home and commenced cleaning. Again Zip lived.
Zip was appropriately named. She’s uber fast. Even on 3 legs. It’s a wonder to me how the dog catcher ever caught her in the first place. If you’re not careful, she’ll squeeze past you when you open the door and take off down the street. Don’t even bother chasing her. You’ll never catch her.
Add another year. My sister was visiting on a Sunday afternoon so we decided to do some shopping. Zip darted out of the house as we were leaving and ran right in front of my car. Oh. My. Gosh. I just knew I had killed my dog. I stopped and my sister opened her door. In jumps Zip, who curls up in the floor and starts licking her right hind leg, which is barely hanging on. That time, my husband took her to the vet. Zip lived, but her right hind leg did not.
I’ve often heard people say,”God must have big plans for your life” when someone has overcome many obstacles. I wonder if the same goes for dogs?
Fast forward to Wednesday of last week. Both our dogs are house trained, but about a month ago Zip started peeing in the house. I was ready to wring her neck until I noticed blood. I took her to the vet yet again. After a round of antibiotics, the bleeding hadn’t stopped so I took her back. This time they took X-rays and found a large bladder stone. Instant surgery. Zip still lives. Currently, she lives with a large cone on her head that she keeps ramming into my shins, but she lives. And she quit peeing in the house. It amazes me how resilient she is.
When my son was a toddler he wanted a cat more than anything, but I’m allergic. He started begging me to feed Zippy cat food so she’d turn into a cat. He couldn’t quite grasp the impossibility of that request. We never did switch her to cat food, but I’m beginning to wonder if he got his wish because our Zip seems to have 9 lives.

What To Expect When Your Best Friend Is Expecting

My very best friend in the whole wide universe is about to give birth to her first child. I feel that even though I had no part whatsoever in the making of this baby, she’s still part mine. Even if her daddy doesn’t agree. And yes, all signs, doctors, etc. say “girl”, a much nicer alternative to, “I’m not finding any nuts on this squirrel”, which had me scratching my head until my 2nd child was born because I was certain there were no squirrels in my family tree. Nuts, yes; squirrels, no. But I digress. So, as I said, my BFF is having a baby and I think I’m just as excited as, if not a bit more than, she is. And here’s why:
1. It’s not me this time!
2. I get to spoil this sweet little baby like no other baby has ever been spoiled before.
3. Even though she has her doubts, my BFF is going to be a superb boss mom.
4. If her husband and I would let her, she’d name the baby after me.
5. It’s been fun watching, or rather hearing, BFF’s excitement grow with each passing phase of her pregnancy.
6. Did I mention it’s not me this time?
7. Spot’s (yes, they nicknamed the baby “Spot”) birth gives me the perfect excuse to spend 10 days in Florida.
8. I think every woman should experience carrying a child at least once in their life.
9. I get to shop for baby stuff.
10. I love my bestie to the moon and back and wish nothing but wonderfully sweet blessings to her and her little family.
11. And I’m REALLY glad it’s not me this time!

Excuses, excuses

It’s been awhile since I blogged. I have some good excuses, though.
1. I have to blaze a trail to get to my computer desk.
2. When I finally reach my computer, it takes another 30 minutes to boot the darn thing up because it’s more than 6 months old.
3. My kids have me running every which way to their various sporting events, scouting adventures, birthday parties, slumber parties, etc.
4. I had to read all three Hunger Games books. Twice.
5. I’ve been waiting for something spectacular to blog about. Since this isn’t going to happen anytime soon, I’ll just share the mundane-ness that is my life.
I think that last statement might have cost me my only two followers…
On another note, I’m thinking of changing the name of my blog. I’m thinking maybe Melodramatic Mama, Desperately Seeking Solitude or Not So Fast Times of a Domestic Diva. Thoughts? Suggestions? Discuss.

Airplane Karaoke

I was recently on a flight to Dallas and as I sat there listening to my iPod and resisting the urge to break into song, a thought occurred. They should offer karaoke as an in flight service. It would break up the monotony, keep me from having to talk to the person next to me and I’m sure the drunk guy 2 rows up would have provided even more entertainment with a microphone in his hand. I wonder who I need to talk to about this? And would it count toward my daughter’s Girl Scout Bronze Award project?

Things I Might Like To Be If I Decide NOT To Grow Up

Here’s my alternative list if the college thing doesn’t work out:

1. A Princess. Preferably one who’s already been rescued by Prince Charming, lives in a palace, has a beautiful white horse and a step mother and sisters behind bars.

2. A Ballerina. A graceful one. Who gets the lead in Swan Lake. Because she’s better and prettier than everyone else.

3. A Movie Star. So I can meet Johnny Depp. Duh!

4. Hannah Montana. Except I can’t stand Hannah Montana. So maybe I’ll just be a pop star like Hannah Montana. Only I’ll sing better.

5. A Fairy. Like Tinkerbell. Well, technically she’s a Pixie, but I’ll settle for either.

6. Ooooh! A Fairy Princess! Even better! Magical powers AND my own kingdom! Rock on!!

7. Justin Bieber’s Girlfriend. Isn’t that what all the little girls want right now?

8. An Olympic Gymnast. I’d kill to be in great shape again.

9. A Concert Pianist. Only I’d have to start practicing again and who wants to do that?

 10. Willy Wonka. Oh yeah! Mostly because I want an Oompa Loompa but mainly so I can eat all the candy I want and travel by glass elevator.

 

Things I Might Like To Be If I Decide To Grow Up

I opted for marriage instead of college. I have no regrets about choosing marriage, but I wish I had made time for college as well. Lately I’ve been thinking about taking a few online courses. With that, I’ve been reminded why I didn’t go to college in the first place: I have too many interests and I can’t narrow it down to just one!

1. Chef. I love food! I love to cook! In the words of Lorelai Gilmore, “I’m Ina Garten and Mario Batalli’s love child.” I’ve dreamed of owning my own restaurant for a very long time now. Plus I’d like to kick Bobby Flay’s butt on Iron Chef America.

2. Meteorologist. Weather fascinates me. I want to chase a tornado. And let me just tell you how I’d like to be on the east coast watching Irene roll in!

3. High School History Teacher. I love history but not other people’s children.

4. Historian. That’s better. No children involved. And maybe I could get on the History Channel!

5. Movie Critic. LOVE movies. And I want people to love the movies I love. The critics out there now always give bad reviews on the movies I love. To them I say “plllllllllbt” 😛

Or… I could just combine 4 and 5 and become a Hollywood Historian. I do love classic movies, tv and radio shows… Watch out Robert Osborne, Ben Mankiewicz and Greg Bell. Your TCM and Radio Spirits hosting days may be numbered!

 6. Pirate. The Disney kind, not the Somalian kind. There aren’t enough Captain Jack Sparrow’s in the world.

7. Zoologist. I love animals. I want to work in a zoo or animal habitat where I can play with baby tigers all the time instead of just once-in-a-very-blue-moon.

8. Marine Biologist. Love me some sea mammals! Wouldn’t it be awesome to track marine life? Especially sea lions!

9. Christopher Moore. Well, maybe not Christopher Moore himself, but an equally incredible, witty author.

10. Photographer. Who doesn’t enjoy a professional picture of something beautiful? I’d like to learn how to capture my own beautiful moments instead of paying someone else to capture them for me.

These are just the top ten floating in my brain at the moment. There are so many more! See my dilemma?

Shut The Bathroom Door!

I don’t shut the bathroom door, a practice that drives my husband crazy. I stopped shutting the bathroom door after our daughter was born. Like most new mothers I was paranoid about leaving my baby unattended. So I’d carry the bulky bouncy seat and baby to the bathroom, get them situated in the doorway and go about my business.

I was 3 when my sister Coleen was born. My mother used to tell me stories of how she couldn’t even go to the bathroom without me torturing baby Coleen in one way or another. So upon the birth of our son, the open door ritual continued.

Now our children are 9 and 6 but I still leave the bathroom door open. Why? Because if I shut the door it will immediately burst open since knocking is a courtesy that no one in this household has learned yet. And if I lock the door the pounding commences. “Mom! What are you doing?” “What do you think I’m doing?” “I really need to come in!” “Why?” “Because I have to talk to you?” “About what?” “I just want to talk to you.” “Can’t it wait?” “No.It’s important!” “Just tell me what you want or wait. I’ll be out in a minute.” “Can we have a popsicle?” “This was the important thing you had to talk to me about? It couldn’t wait?” “Can we?”

I also have 3 dogs. If it’s not the kids pounding and hollering through the door, the dogs are sniffing under the door and scratching to be let in.

So I gave up. I forfeited all modesty and privacy and leave the bathroom door open. I do all my bathroom business in the presence of 3 dogs and at least 1 of my children.

I do dream of a day when I can shut the bathroom door and do my business without interruption… And then I visit my mom and when she goes to the bathroom, I find myself knocking on the door and asking, “Mom? Can I come in?”